#78 KYRGYZSTAN

One of the things I love the most about Central Asia is the old Soviet sanatoriums, which are like all-inclusive spa resorts where workers and their families would go to get some R&R. Think of it kind of like an obligatory yearly holiday so that you can come back to work even healthier, fitter and more energized! And, just like the vibe of Central Asia, these sanatoriums come with a fair amount of authoritarianism and strict rules: you can only eat at your assigned table in the dining room, there is no menu -- you eat what they cook, spa treatments are treated as doctor visits, and massages are extremely painful!

Downtown Bishkek, 2017

Marx and Engels - Bishkek, 2017

Delicious Uyghur boso-laghman and manty - Faiza-2 Restaurant, Bishkek, 2017

After a few days of enjoying the big city in Bishkek, we headed out to the stunning Issyk-Kul lake, where we would spend the next few days at the Aurora Sanatorium. Reading up on the sanatorium experience, we were very intrigued by all the various treatments offered:

"Water treatment with mineral, pearl, oxygen, and gynecological irrigation;

Mud treatment with mud packs, Galvano dirt;

Hydro complex - underwater shower-massage, circular shower, Charcot's shower, Scottish shower, contrast baths, spa sauna, herbal tea;

Bowel irrigation with herbal infusions;

Sithonia irrigation;

Cleansing enema;

Inhalation - oil, salt, alkali;

Speleotherapy - for patients having asthma, allergies, and chronic lung diseases (salt mine);

Periodontal room - hydro-massage to gums, wraps with medicinal mud;

Massage;

Physiotherapy treatment;

Laboratory analysis - clinical, biochemical, and bacteriological;

Swimming pool - water from the lake."

This all sounded very exotic and strange -- we were very excited! Upon arrival at the Aurora Sanatorium, we were greeted by some very aggressive architecture as the 6-floor hotel is designed to look like a big, white ship with sails. Inside, the vibe was definitely inspired by The Shining, with large lobbies and monumental staircases but virtually no guests. The Aurora Sanatorium was already proving to be surreal, and we hadn't even met with the doctor yet!

Issyk-Kul, 2017

The incredible Aurora Sanatorium - Issyk-Kul, 2017

The lobby of the Aurora Sanatorium - Issyk-Kul, 2017

After checking in and dropping our bags in our VIP bedroom, we were instructed to go to the basement where the doctor would see us. The air was cold and humid from the various water treatments on offer, and the warm sun shining through windows was replaced by fluorescent lights hanging overhead. Finally, after a short wait, my time with the doctor arrived. Even though we had no common language or way to communicate, I was quickly diagnosed with several ailments and sent off to begin my treatments: bathing, sauna, massage. How delightfully wrong I was about all these things!

In the sanatorium lobby, waiting to see the doctor and receive our "treatments" for the next few days.

My sanatorium treatment -- no idea what this says, and the doctor didn't speak English, so.....?

Me and my soviet sanatorium masseuse -- I had never been in so much pain, I swear she tried to break every bone in my body!

One of my many treatments: hot mineral bath! Issyk-Kul, 2017

Bathing began with a scalding hot mineral water bath in a somewhat institutional-looking bathroom. Next was a trip to the sauna followed by the mysterious "Charcot Shower," which turned out to mean getting hosed down naked, front and back, with pressurized ice-cold water. By the end, I thought I was being punished for something, or at least reliving the Bruce Willis's shower scene at the beginning of 12 Monkeys...

After so much trauma and confusion earlier in the day, the thought of ending the afternoon with a relaxing massage sounded delightful. But, much to my surprise, Kyrgyz style massage is excruciating, almost as if the masseuse were trying to disconnect each bone in my body from its muscles and tendons. I nearly cried but kept my composure by trusting in whatever medical benefits this massage might have. After all, I voluntarily signed up for this unique experience, and it wasn't going to last forever!

Wrong again, Alec. Maybe if I'd had some way to communicate with the doctors or assistants performing the treatments, I might've realized that this was to be repeated every single day I was staying at the sanatorium! Well, at least I had three healthy, delicious and obligatory meals a day to ease my suffering :)